A Hero Never Learns

by Gary Floater

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  • Digital Album
    Streaming + Download

    1. The Dirty South
    2. That's When the Eagle Screams
    3. Stand Back Boys I'm Fixing to Care
    4. A Hero Never Learns
    5. Whole Lot Further to Fall
    6. Holding On So Tight
    7. Grandpa's Promise
    8. It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High
    9. Let Me Kiss You Where It Hurts
    10. Dust Off the Dulcimer (One More Time)

    An immediate download of Digital Gary - the 10-track tribute album in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire except cassette or 8 track tape.
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1.
I drank White Lightning when I was still in a crib I had a moon pie smeared all over my bib I punched my first grade teacher right straight in the mouth Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South Got a Dale Jr. tattoo here on my back And my ears are still ringing from the NASCAR track I punched Jeff Gordon right straight in the mouth Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South My baby takes her top off when we go to the lake She’s soft and sexy but she’s mean as a snake If I catch you looking at her punch you straight in the mouth That’s how we do it in the Dirty South The C.M.T. award show was a hell of a time Tanya Tucker winked at me when was standing in line My wife punched her right straight in the mouth Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South Yeah that’s how we do it in the Dirty South
2.
Folks are talking and a-talking a how the U.S. ain’t the best But the eagle is getting tired of y’all shitting in his nest You thought he was only sleeping, you plucked feathers out one by one But he just had one eye closed, so amigo ya better run Cause we’re flying down to Mexico, we’re gonna rain on your parade Thirty pounds of angry eagle and he damn sure ain’t afraid Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams It’s a sticky situation for ol’ Jacque and Pierre Maple syrup can’t stop eagles when they’re flying through the air You can keep your old bacon, you can have your natural gas Look out you old maple leaf, you can kiss this eagle’s ass Cause we’re flying up to Canadia, we’re gonna rain on your parade Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams - And as for you old Aussies, look out for number one You can keep your old koala bear and Olivia Newton-John You can get physical all you want, but we’re gonna make it stick With some good ol’ apple pie and a big ol’ eagle dick Cause we’re flying up to Stralia, we’re gonna rain on your parade Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams Cause just when you ain’t watching, son, that’s when the eagle screams Just when you ain’t looking, that’s when the eagle screams
3.
The desert rose cantina in Phoenix AZ Can be a lonely ol’ place for a singer like me Pretty peroxide blonde sitting close to the stage Thirty-six, twenty-four and a third of my age She’s looking at this cowboy with a sexy stare Stand back boys I’m fixing to care Stand back boys I’m fixing to care She sucks on a longneck and licks her lips Eats a handful of cherries and shakes her hips She turns around and shows me her zebra thong She yells out that the Dirty South is her favorite song I want some honey like a grizzly bear Stand back boys I’m fixing to care Stand back boys I’m fixing to care She smokes a Camel 100 and tosses her hair She looks about as juicy as a Bartlett pear I want to lay on her like a La-Z-Boy Chair Stand back boys I’m fixing to care Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
4.
I took my mom to the Luby’s after Friday night’s football game The man at the checkout line said “there goes old what’s-her-name” She said “you ought not talk that way to the people that raised you up” So I stared him down and I clenched my fist, I said “mama, get in the truck” Cause a hero never learns Never tells nobody no Never says I told you so It’s a fire that always burns A hero never learns A hero never learns I drove my dog in my pickup truck out to the edge of town To a place he’d never been before, then I turned that truck around Ol’ Hank was a good old dog but I had to set him free I tried not to look in my rear view mirror as he was chasing after me Cause a hero never learns Never tells nobody no Never says I told you so It’s a fire that always burns A hero never learns A hero never learns
5.
From the top of the Empire State Building to the bottom of a Mexican whore I’ve seen the high and low places most men ain’t been before Now to see me crawling, you think it’s a new low But wait and see how much distance I have got to go I’ve got a whole lot further to fall I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all Look out below you devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call I got a whole lot further to fall From the top of the Pyrenees mountains to the bottom of a Dutch canal You might think I’ve done all the falling that the good Lord would allow If you see a hole in your basement floor that’s just Gary passing through Sinking like a stone is what I was born to do I’ve got a whole lot further to fall I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all Ah come on now, look out devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call I got a whole lot further to fall Yeah, I got a whole lot further I got a whole lot further to fall I got a whole lot further I got a whole lot further to fall
6.
Hey Gary, you gonna run down to Carl’s Corner and pick you out one of them lot lizards? Negatory on the lot lizard, good buddy. I’ve had the old lady in mind for the last five hundred miles and I’m still a long way from home. Think this freight is gonna have to wait, ol’ Gary’s gonna crawl in the back and punch the clown. I pulled into the truck stop, turned off the radio I shut her down in the parking lot by the smoky neon glow All the way down a big ol’ shelf of magazines wrapped in plastic But I did not even bat an eye, I just walked on past it I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home These late nights on the road make a man feel alone Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home Well, it takes two to tango, but I’m dancing by myself Like that pretty glass unicorn on the truckstop giftshop shelf My fantasy seems so close, but I’m feeling so low ’Til I can touch you again, I just can’t let go I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home These late nights on the road make a man feel alone Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home These late nights on the road make a man feel alone Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
7.
He grew up in the Tennessee mountains without a penny to his name He taught me how to be a man and how not be ashamed Though he had only a rock for a pillow and granite pebbles were his only friends He had something he had to tell me before his life would end Though we were common people, he had uncommon pride And this is what he told me the day that he died Heeyahhh! That’s what ol’ grandpa said Just before he left this world And then he was dead He was mean as a viper, sneaky as an old tomcat He died with a hard on, but we won’t talk about that He never read a book, he never wrote a word The moment ‘fore he died ‘Hyahh!’ is what I heard
8.
It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High Heineken mornings and hashish afternoons Wishing for long trips but they’re ending too soon Woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet Chasing the whiskey it’s mixed with regret It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high All the folks I let down and everything I snorted I didn’t give an Amsterdam until I got deported On that long flight back to JFK, I drank so much champagne They had to tie me to my chair when I tried to fly the plane It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldanged high Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
9.
You say you’ve had it up to here With all the lying and the tears Your heart’s been broke so many ways That’s why you’re sitting here today Watching bubbles in your beer Well, darling I’ve been feeling blue So can I sit down next to you Throw some light upon the shade In this honky-tonk parade Let me look into your eye Let me kiss you where it hurts I put my finger on it first Dancing while my flashlight shines That you see from time to time Let me kiss you where it hurts I’ve got my nine volts in the car In case we wander off too far You don’t even have to ask I’ll put on my rubber mask Let me kiss you where it hurts I’ve got a camera in the van That’s just the kind of man I am We’ll throw some loving on YouTube Just to see what we can do Let me kiss you where it hurts I’ve got a bobcat-colored jacket I’ve got a pair of golden keys Nobody’s ever asked me why I’m just an ordinary guy Let me kiss you where it hurts Let me kiss you where it hurts I’ll put my finger on it first Dancing while my flashlight shines That you see from time to time Let me kiss you where it hurts Come on, let me kiss you where it hurts
10.
Dust Off the Dulcimer (One More Time) Butterscotch in a candy bowl Sticky peppermint and a Tootsie Roll Doily protects the table there Plastic covers on all his chairs Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time You can’t keep it to yourself, can’t keep it on that shelf Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time Wilford Brimley on a TV there He sold grandpa a scooter chair Refrigerator full of ol’ Schlitz beer Grandpa used to be an auctioneer Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time Guess I didn’t inherit that old man’s hands I can’t play an instrument worth a damn Now the house is dark at eight PM He’s taking off his slippers getting all tucked in Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time Driving in I passed the fishing hole Grandpa’s gone but I saw his pole His jumpsuit’s on a hanger there Thought I heard a dulcimer ringing in the air Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time You can’t keep it on a shelf, don’t keep it to yourself Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time

about

A message from Gary Floater

I would like to thank Puffy Dan Walters, Flip Dickerson, Brandon Wayne Akins, and Marvin Hopkins for believing the songs enough to record them for this tribute album. These musicians are good people but they've still got a long way to go in my book.

There's a few old songs on this and some newer ones. They didn't sing em as good as I would have but they sure tried. I can't really undestand their vocals all the time and the drums are mixed to quite but its all right I guess. You get what you pay for.

Thanks anyway though.

I wish I wadent barred from re-recording them myself due to contractual obligations and laringitis. I wish the original master recordings I did for Columbus records back in the heyday of the 60s, 70s, and 80s wouldn't have gone out of print and burnt up in a mobile home park fire.

I know there's better songwriters out there than me but I just always wrote as real as I can.

Gary

credits

released March 3, 2009

All songs written by Gary Floater

Produced by Flip Dickerson
Recorded in Miami, Missouri at HitTown Studio

Tracks 1, 3, 6, 8, and 10 sung by Brandon Wayne Akins

Tracks 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9 sung by Puffy Dan Walters

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