A Hero Never Learns

by Gary Floater

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  • Streaming + Download

    1. The Dirty South
    2. That's When the Eagle Screams
    3. Stand Back Boys I'm Fixing to Care
    4. A Hero Never Learns
    5. Whole Lot Further to Fall
    6. Holding On So Tight
    7. Grandpa's Promise
    8. It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High
    9. Let Me Kiss You Where It Hurts
    10. Dust Off the Dulcimer (One More Time)

    An immediate download of Digital Gary - the 10-track tribute album in your choice of 320k mp3, FLAC, or just about any other format you could possibly desire except cassette or 8 track tape.

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    -Digital download of 'A Hero Never Learns' album
    -Black on White T Shirt or White on Black T Shirt
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about

A message from Gary Floater

I would like to thank Puffy Dan Walters, Flip Dickerson, Brandon Wayne Akins, and Marvin Hopkins for believing the songs enough to record them for this tribute album. These musicians are good people but they've still got a long way to go in my book.

There's a few old songs on this and some newer ones. They didn't sing em as good as I would have but they sure tried. I can't really undestand their vocals all the time and the drums are mixed to quite but its all right I guess. You get what you pay for.

Thanks anyway though.

I wish I wadent barred from re-recording them myself due to contractual obligations and laringitis. I wish the original master recordings I did for Columbus records back in the heyday of the 60s, 70s, and 80s wouldn't have gone out of print and burnt up in a mobile home park fire.

I know there's better songwriters out there than me but I just always wrote as real as I can.

Gary

credits

released March 3, 2009

All songs written by Gary Floater

Produced by Flip Dickerson
Recorded in Miami, Missouri at HitTown Studio

Tracks 1, 3, 6, 8, and 10 sung by Brandon Wayne Akins

Tracks 2, 4, 5, 7, and 9 sung by Puffy Dan Walters

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Track Name: The Dirty South
I drank White Lightning when I was still in a crib
I had a moon pie smeared all over my bib
I punched my first grade teacher right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South

Got a Dale Jr. tattoo here on my back
And my ears are still ringing from the NASCAR track
I punched Jeff Gordon right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South

My baby takes her top off when we go to the lake
She’s soft and sexy but she’s mean as a snake
If I catch you looking at her punch you straight in the mouth
That’s how we do it in the Dirty South

The C.M.T. award show was a hell of a time
Tanya Tucker winked at me when was standing in line
My wife punched her right straight in the mouth
Cause that’s how we do it in the Dirty South
Yeah that’s how we do it in the Dirty South
Track Name: That's When the Eagle Screams
Folks are talking and a-talking a how the U.S. ain’t the best
But the eagle is getting tired of y’all shitting in his nest
You thought he was only sleeping, you plucked feathers out one by one
But he just had one eye closed, so amigo ya better run

Cause we’re flying down to Mexico, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle and he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams

It’s a sticky situation for ol’ Jacque and Pierre
Maple syrup can’t stop eagles when they’re flying through the air
You can keep your old bacon, you can have your natural gas
Look out you old maple leaf, you can kiss this eagle’s ass

Cause we’re flying up to Canadia, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, that’s when the eagle screams -

And as for you old Aussies, look out for number one
You can keep your old koala bear and Olivia Newton-John
You can get physical all you want, but we’re gonna make it stick
With some good ol’ apple pie and a big ol’ eagle dick

Cause we’re flying up to Stralia, we’re gonna rain on your parade
Thirty pounds of angry eagle, he damn sure ain’t afraid
Look out if you gonna take potshots at these American dreams
Cause just when you ain’t watching, son, that’s when the eagle screams
Just when you ain’t looking, that’s when the eagle screams
Track Name: Stand Back Boys I'm Fixing to Care
The desert rose cantina in Phoenix AZ
Can be a lonely ol’ place for a singer like me
Pretty peroxide blonde sitting close to the stage
Thirty-six, twenty-four and a third of my age
She’s looking at this cowboy with a sexy stare
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care

She sucks on a longneck and licks her lips
Eats a handful of cherries and shakes her hips
She turns around and shows me her zebra thong
She yells out that the Dirty South is her favorite song
I want some honey like a grizzly bear
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care

She smokes a Camel 100 and tosses her hair

She looks about as juicy as a Bartlett pear

I want to lay on her like a La-Z-Boy Chair

Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Stand back boys I’m fixing to care
Track Name: A Hero Never Learns
I took my mom to the Luby’s after Friday night’s football game
The man at the checkout line said “there goes old what’s-her-name”
She said “you ought not talk that way to the people that raised you up”
So I stared him down and I clenched my fist, I said “mama, get in the truck”

Cause a hero never learns
Never tells nobody no
Never says I told you so
It’s a fire that always burns
A hero never learns
A hero never learns

I drove my dog in my pickup truck out to the edge of town
To a place he’d never been before, then I turned that truck around
Ol’ Hank was a good old dog but I had to set him free
I tried not to look in my rear view mirror as he was chasing after me

Cause a hero never learns
Never tells nobody no
Never says I told you so
It’s a fire that always burns
A hero never learns
A hero never learns
Track Name: Whole Lot Further to Fall
From the top of the Empire State Building to the bottom of a Mexican whore
I’ve seen the high and low places most men ain’t been before
Now to see me crawling, you think it’s a new low
But wait and see how much distance I have got to go

I’ve got a whole lot further to fall
I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all
Look out below you devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call
I got a whole lot further to fall

From the top of the Pyrenees mountains to the bottom of a Dutch canal
You might think I’ve done all the falling that the good Lord would allow
If you see a hole in your basement floor that’s just Gary passing through
Sinking like a stone is what I was born to do

I’ve got a whole lot further to fall
I’m crashing through your rock bottom and all
Ah come on now, look out devil, ol’ Gary’s coming to call
I got a whole lot further to fall

Yeah, I got a whole lot further
I got a whole lot further to fall
I got a whole lot further
I got a whole lot further to fall
Track Name: Holding On So Tight
Hey Gary, you gonna run down to Carl’s Corner and pick you out one of them lot lizards?
Negatory on the lot lizard, good buddy. I’ve had the old lady in mind for the last five hundred miles and I’m still a long way from home.
Think this freight is gonna have to wait, ol’ Gary’s gonna crawl in the back and punch the clown.

I pulled into the truck stop, turned off the radio
I shut her down in the parking lot by the smoky neon glow
All the way down a big ol’ shelf of magazines wrapped in plastic
But I did not even bat an eye, I just walked on past it

I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
These late nights on the road make a man feel alone
Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone
Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home

Well, it takes two to tango, but I’m dancing by myself
Like that pretty glass unicorn on the truckstop giftshop shelf
My fantasy seems so close, but I’m feeling so low
’Til I can touch you again, I just can’t let go

I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
These late nights on the road make a man feel alone
Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone
Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home

I’m holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
These late nights on the road make a man feel alone
Sometimes I get so lonely, right down to the bone
Holding on so tight to thoughts of you at home
Track Name: Grandpa's Promise
He grew up in the Tennessee mountains without a penny to his name
He taught me how to be a man and how not be ashamed
Though he had only a rock for a pillow and granite pebbles were his only friends
He had something he had to tell me before his life would end
Though we were common people, he had uncommon pride
And this is what he told me the day that he died
Heeyahhh!
That’s what ol’ grandpa said
Just before he left this world
And then he was dead

He was mean as a viper, sneaky as an old tomcat
He died with a hard on, but we won’t talk about that
He never read a book, he never wrote a word
The moment ‘fore he died ‘Hyahh!’ is what I heard
Track Name: It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High
It's High Time This Old Cowboy Quit Getting So Goldanged High

Heineken mornings and hashish afternoons
Wishing for long trips but they’re ending too soon
Woke up in a bathtub fully dressed soaking wet
Chasing the whiskey it’s mixed with regret

It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly
Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high

All the folks I let down and everything I snorted
I didn’t give an Amsterdam until I got deported
On that long flight back to JFK, I drank so much champagne
They had to tie me to my chair when I tried to fly the plane

It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly
Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high

It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldanged high
Can’t soar like an eagle if you’re too fucked up to fly
Laughing just like a hyna, as the tears roll down my eye
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
It’s high time this old cowboy quit getting so goldang high
Track Name: Let Me Kiss You Where It Hurts
You say you’ve had it up to here
With all the lying and the tears
Your heart’s been broke so many ways
That’s why you’re sitting here today
Watching bubbles in your beer

Well, darling I’ve been feeling blue
So can I sit down next to you
Throw some light upon the shade
In this honky-tonk parade
Let me look into your eye

Let me kiss you where it hurts
I put my finger on it first
Dancing while my flashlight shines
That you see from time to time
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got my nine volts in the car
In case we wander off too far
You don’t even have to ask
I’ll put on my rubber mask
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got a camera in the van
That’s just the kind of man I am
We’ll throw some loving on YouTube
Just to see what we can do
Let me kiss you where it hurts

I’ve got a bobcat-colored jacket
I’ve got a pair of golden keys
Nobody’s ever asked me why
I’m just an ordinary guy
Let me kiss you where it hurts

Let me kiss you where it hurts
I’ll put my finger on it first
Dancing while my flashlight shines
That you see from time to time
Let me kiss you where it hurts
Come on, let me kiss you where it hurts
Track Name: Dust Off the Dulcimer (One More Time)
Dust Off the Dulcimer (One More Time)

Butterscotch in a candy bowl
Sticky peppermint and a Tootsie Roll
Doily protects the table there
Plastic covers on all his chairs

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it to yourself, can’t keep it on that shelf
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

Wilford Brimley on a TV there
He sold grandpa a scooter chair
Refrigerator full of ol’ Schlitz beer
Grandpa used to be an auctioneer

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

Guess I didn’t inherit that old man’s hands
I can’t play an instrument worth a damn
Now the house is dark at eight PM
He’s taking off his slippers getting all tucked in

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

Driving in I passed the fishing hole
Grandpa’s gone but I saw his pole
His jumpsuit’s on a hanger there
Thought I heard a dulcimer ringing in the air

Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time, one more time
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time
You can’t keep it on a shelf, you can’t keep it to yourself
Got to dust off the dulcimer one more time

You can’t keep it on a shelf, don’t keep it to yourself
Grandpa dust off the dulcimer one more time